What's life without laughter?

LOLOMETER!

2011-09-02T17:34:00.002+08:00

Bittersweet

2011-07-08T15:06:00.004+08:00

As soon as one challenge ended little did I know that such a victory would pave a path straight to the next obstacle.

Bittersweet as it seemed, I found myself at the foot of a mountain.
The days i spent preparing myself for such a situation will now prove useful.
Failure seems inevitable. Nonetheless, I'm learning from life as it goes on.
You win some, you lose some. You can't win at everything.

Despite the reality of life biting down on me, I choose to see the light upon the horizon.
A small spec in the distance. Growing bigger as I get closer and finally, dawn breaks the darkness.

Transitioning from a teen into adulthood, responsibilities lay strewn before me.
Spread out like spilt beads on the floor. I pick them up one by one.
Slowly but surely I'll collect them all.

After all, life's a lesson.
You learn it when you're through.

How Economy Crisis Begins.

2011-06-16T03:46:00.000+08:00

History of The Toilet Seat

2011-04-19T17:10:00.016+08:00

Once accredited as the greatest invention ever invented by man, the toilet seat has gone a long way since it's early design.

An image depicting early medieval prison toilet seats.
Ouch, you say?

In the summer of 1505 a French inventor by the name of Claud Van Dam
was taking a (as you would say in French) "la sheet" atop a makeshift wooden outhouse constructed above a lake.

After a staggering two hours of what seemed to be endless constipation, Claud finally got out alive.
The endless battle in the outhouse resulted in numerous splinters poking into the flesh of Claud's tender "la bon bons".

Frustrated and in pain, Claud was set on a mission that would finally revolutionise as well as put a relief to his sessions of relief... after he got all the splinters out, of course.
Initially he opted for a flat base design. One which would provide comfort as well as support. to the base of a person's base. One which looked somewhat like this.

Sure it was far more comfortable that a splinter-faced toilet but what he didn't know was that the design had a major flaw. There was no opening for the ploppings to pass.
He only realised this one his first test run in which he described was "a rater warm yet squishy experience.". He then went on to coin the feeling as 'kinky', which, at that time was the first time a Frenchman actually used such a funky term. Merci!
So that design was scrapped.

Claud began work on his second design. This time he was more careful. He picked the finest quality wood there was on the market. Crafted and shaped it to become what we now know as the modern day toilet seat.
Looking at his second prototype, he though of it as rather dull looking. The French inventor decided to let his artistic flair run loose and he loved eating turkey so he carved the image of a turkey on the front cover. After all, it was the Renaissance period.

Feeling proud and well accomplished of his invention, Claud went onto the then popular stage show, France Sure Has Got Some Talented Shiz to display his invention. He would have had to provide a demo on how his invention worked by taking a 'la sheet' in front a the judges but details of such shocking events are to be kept from public eyes and ears.
"U la la!" Exclaimed the judges who were definately amused.

The crowd was awestruck because for them it was a moment of revelation.
Although it was an image of a turkey carved into the face of the toilet cover, nevertheless, the people nicknamed it 'cockboards' for ease of recognition.

The designs were sold for twelve pieces of silver - Which according to Judas was a handsome enough wage from the betrayal of Jesus - to craftsmen around the country to be mass produced.

News of the French allegedly taking a dump on their cocks reached the shores of America, Brazil and the rest of Europe. It was soon a Western trend for people to posses cockboards. Whereas the Asians didn't need any of such contraptions.
"Why use such an apparatus when we've got good aim?" Protested an Asian minister.

When cockboards finally went global, these devices were finally renamed to 'Toilet Seats' due to the ever perversified way of thinking of the modern day generation.

Fell Into Temptation With My Girl....

2011-03-18T18:57:00.002+08:00

No, it's not what you think it is.
It's a song! Muahaha!

I've got sunshine
On a cloudy day.
When it's cold outside,
I've got the month of May.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

I've got so much honey
The bees envy me.
I've got a sweeter song
Than the birds in the trees.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Ooooh, Hoooo.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.

I don't need no money,
Fortune or fame.
I've got all the riches, baby,
One man can claim.

Well, I guess you'll say
What can make me feel this way?
My girl. (My girl, my girl)
Talkin' 'bout my girl. (My girl)

Talkin' bout my girl.
I've got sushine on cloudy day
With my girl.
I've even got the month of May
With my girl.

Chic Flicks are like Milk

2011-03-10T04:41:00.003+08:00

Sooner or later, they always become cheesy.

Best Present Ever.

2011-02-16T20:56:00.002+08:00

I actually do have a shirt like that.

China and Food.

2011-01-21T02:28:00.005+08:00

These photos were taken at a restaurant in Shanghai, China.

I Veri Laik Yur Ingerish.

"Lolwut?" Dishes

"Tastes so good, You'll be seeing double"

"--Who did?" Dishes

Broke Back Mountain inspired Dishes

Another restaurant we saw at Hangzhou airport.

The food was kicking awesome and we smacked our lips. *Wachauuu!*

Finally, the oh-so-famliar, China's Golden Arches.

Pumpkin Booty

2010-12-10T06:35:00.008+08:00

I shake ma pumpkin booty,
And make the boys go groovy,
They always tryin'a have me,
Sayin' I'm sweet like Tutti Frutti.

Although I ain't no yoghurt,
Everythin' about me is feelin' so good.
When I be glidin' down the street,
All ya'll noses be sprayin' blood.

Ya like ma luscious lips,
They entrance you like ma hips.
And when the boys they see me,
They say that I'm fo' keeps!

The girls be hatin' on me,
They say that I'm a ho',
But it sure ain't ma fault, gee!
For awesomeness there ain't no cure.

The boys can't get enough of me,
The haters be tryin'a sue me,
My precious pumpkin pearls,
The eighth and ninth wonder of the world,

I spread it all around me,
I do it in my undies.
The days sure ain't moody,
When I shake ma pumpkin booty.

Word!

Irony Strikes Back

2010-12-08T23:59:00.006+08:00

On an early Monday morning I arose to the chirping of birds as a light breeze blew across my face so calmly. I opened my eyes and realise that they were only my room fan and phone alarm. My phone chirps.

Twenty-four minutes, a shower, underwear, shorts, a shirt and a pair of shoes later, I was on my way out the door to eat beef ball noodles. I surfed and glided towards the exit of my home, like a duck in water. Quack!

The sky was cloudy and the weather was cool.
I took a whiff of the morning air, and sang to myself, quoting U2, "It's a beautiful day!"

After uttering those words, i looked on the group to my right and saw a pile of doggie poop.

Harr-eh Po-er?

2010-11-30T01:52:00.011+08:00

Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic and more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first aid kit at all times if you don't know this ring isn't a cudgel, you barbarian!

Well hello! What do we have here, a muggle? I presume you've come to read about the story of Harry Potter?

Yes, yes, my child. Sit. Cookie? They're sprinkled with fairy dust.

It is with great honour and.. oh.. yea... pleasure that I bring forth news to you concerning Harry and his confusing journey of witchcraft and wizardry. To be honest, I myself have performed some magical feats of my own but you'll never get to see them.. if you know what I'm talking about *winks* Heh Heh heh heh...

Oh you don't? (Darn it!) Never mind!

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows features an epic battle between Harry and the Dark Lord himself.
The sequel goes on and on and with more and more people dying and dying. Till it's so frustrating and frustrating and I'm saying this again and again.

With Harry trapped and cornered, the "one who must not be named" a.k.a. "you know who" a.k.a. "The bald dude with no nose" reveals the truth about himself to Potter boy here.

So there you have it, boys and girls. Voldemort is after all, Harry Potter's father.
"But according to the book--" You whine.
SILENCE! You dare question me?! Filthy half blood!

The story then ends with Harry and the Dark Lord reconciling their differences and finally uniting again as a family.

Spoiler, no?
Muahahaha!

Eh, Why Cannot--?

2010-11-23T16:08:00.003+08:00

I was painting a room in my house so i had on gloves and a face mask.
The face mask was to avoid inhaling fumes from the paint. The gloves were for me to look like Micheal Jackson.

Anyway, in the midst of my paint job, i received a text message (or some of you might say, SMS) on my phone. I picked it up and started typing back. A small piece of dried paint had fallen on my keypad so I tried blowing it away with the mask still on.

*Fuuh FUUUUUUHHH*
"Eh, why cannot--?"

Then I realised I was wearing a mask and felt stupid.
"Oh! I'm wearing a mask!" *feels stupid*

The end.

10 Things I Forgot

2010-11-16T01:50:00.003+08:00

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Gee... I seem to have forgotten them all.

Secrets

2010-11-14T22:12:00.003+08:00

“It's no secret, that the best thing about a secret, is secretly telling someone your secret, thereby secretly adding another secret to their secret collection of secrets, secretly.”

-Spongebob on secrets

"My Secret is Evil."

-Dr Evil on secrets.

7YOU'LL459-.245-NEVER34.735.949-2--34CRACK450978.84THIS4+0.12CODE

Laments Of A Bishop.

2010-11-11T14:51:00.005+08:00

Sometimes life has it's ups and downs. Sometimes it has it's lefts and rights.
But nobody ever told me the diagonals were coming.
No, nobody.

And now I'm stuck in and ever-running race of diagonality.

Who am i?

I'm bishop.

Long have i waited to be with the queen. Long have i planned my straight in approaches but I'm cursed to diagonality.
Furthermore that dreaded "king" keeps getting in the way.

Why does he get the girl when all he can do is move one square at a time? Why!?
Plus, he's so weak! if he gets cornered, it's over for us all!!

At least i don't have to worry about the "Rook". He's gay.

Fear not my queen. Once I overthrow the slobby "king" i will reign supreme as chess master with you and only you by my side. That's if i don't get eaten first.

Muahaha!

Auntie! It's Not What It Looks Like!!

2010-10-15T15:15:00.005+08:00

I arched my back and wiggled my arms. My fingers ached and so did the muscles on my arms. Scraping off paint is tough work. Especially when it's a whole room.

One of the rooms upstairs connected to the balcony needed a new paint job. So my parents thought "Why call painters when you have sons?"And that's how i got the job. pfftt..!!

Due to the current, old chipping paint, I had to scrape off all the paint before I could re-paint the whole room. Equipped with wall scrapers, a face mask (to avoid inhaling dust) and a set of work gloves, I quickly got to work.

Halfway scraping the walls, i noticed that there was black residue stuck to sides of the wall scraper so I decided to clean it. Clean tools are good tools. Guys take note! ;)

Hi! Meet Stanley. He's a wall scraper.

Stepping out into the balcony, Right-handed JianShen held the residue-filled scraper in his left hand and another clean wall scraper in his right hand.

Objective: To get residue off wall scraper held in left hand.

Inference: Clean tools are good tools. Guys take note. ;)

Steps:

place dirty wall scraper at approximately 45 degrees, pressed against floor for good support.
use clean wall scraper to scrape off dirt from floor-bound wall scraper in a downward motion.
retract arm moving clean wall scraper in upward motion.
repeat step 2.
repeat step 3.
repeat step 2.
strike a pose.
repeat step 3.
repeat until wall scraper is clean of dirt.

All this happened with me sitting on the floor of the balcony without a shirt. (Cos it's hot?)

Scraping the dirt off so vigorously, JianShen could see his neighbour walking along the road facing his house. Because JianShen was sitting at an elevated position, all his neighbour could see was the top half of his body... and him, looking downwards performing vigorous actions with his hands.

I may be slightly short sighted but I do know a terrified look when i see one. Even from far away!

Something like this!

Okay, maybe not. More like this.

I could hear myself screaming in my mind "AMG, AUNTIE! IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!!"

To prove my innocence, i lifted my tools up in the air.... (The wall scrapers...!! Now don't you be getting any ideas here.) and continued my scraping JUST TO SHOW HER that I was doing just that! And not something else... in case she was WONDERING.(??)

I may have looked stupid. But at least I got to salvage my modesty and regain respect from my fellow neighbour. *Phew..*

Funny incident of the week.

More From The Oatmeal

2010-10-13T06:41:00.006+08:00

I Don't Want a lot For Christmas..

2010-10-08T14:00:00.003+08:00

There is just one thing i need.
I don't care about the presents.
underneath the Christmas tree.

I just want you for my own.
More than you have ever known.
Make my wish come true...
Cos all I want for Christmas

IS FOOD!!

I don't want a lot for Christmas.
It is just ice-cream i need.
I don't care about the goodies,
Cos I'm Malaysian, not unless they're free.

I don't need to hang my roast lamb
There upon that fireplace
Santa Clause won't make me happy
With a toy on Christmas day

I just want you for my own
More than you have ever known
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is FOOD.
Food baby.

Oh I will ask for more this Christmas
More than even all the snow
I'm not going to keep on waiting
Underneath the mistletoe

I'm gonna make a list and send it
To the North Pole for Saint Mc
I'm gonna keep staying up to
Hear that magic Mcdelivery click

Cause I want you here tonight
Munching on to you so tight
What more can i do?
Baby, all i want for Christmas is FOOD.
FOOD!

Oh the soup is boiling
There's steam everywhere
The Sound of steak and turkey
Grilling fills the air

And everyone is eating
I hear those orders flying
Santa won't you bring me that desert i really need?
Wont you please bring my baby to me?

Oh I don't want a lot for Christmas
This is all I'm asking for
I just want to see a lolli
hanging right outside my door

I just want you for my own
More than tiny ice-cream cones
I'll devour you
Baby all I want for Christmas is
food baby.

All I want for Christmas is food baby
All I want for Christmas is food baby
All I want for Christmas is food baby
Muahaha!

Only From Afar...

2010-10-02T05:54:00.009+08:00

What do you get when you mix and match these two?

Very Bruno Mars.

If you enjoyed watching Bruno! you'd enjoy watching this video.

WARNING: THIS VIDEO CONTAINS GRAPHIC AND DISTURBING IMAGES BUT WHO CARES ANYWAY?

NO, SERIOUSLY. YOU CAN STILL TURN BACK...

STILL NOT TOO LATE...

YOU REALLY WANNA WATCH IT?

OH, WHAT WAS I THINKING? OF COURSE YOU DO! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE VISITING THIS WEB PAGE, RIGHT?

OKAY, HERE YOU GO.

TOLD YOU.

Jian, Why Are You So Chill?

2010-09-23T15:30:00.003+08:00

a friend asked me. I was sitting in the library typing at my laptop when he came across me.

"What do you mean?" I questioned back.

He went on to ask about why i don't react the way others do when I'm provoked, why i don't lash out at others when I'm lashed at, why I'm always so positive. Somehow he saw that there was something different about me.

"I don't think i can ever be like you la.." He said with a sigh.

"If i can chill, you can chill too." i replied, pointing to him.

God still shines, even though i don't do it consciously.

One Two Three Four Uno Dos Tes Cuatro

2010-09-17T18:57:00.007+08:00

I KNOW YOU WANT MEH!

YOU KNOW I WANT CHA!

I KNOW YOU WANT MEH

YOU KNOW I WANT CHA!

I KNOW YOU WANT MEH!

YOU KNOW I WANT CHA!

PWNED!!

Why Get Wasted?

2010-09-12T04:50:00.012+08:00

Why? Why not? Getting wasted is the only thing we should look for in life. You don't want to be old and sitting on your death bed going "Dude, I wish I were wasted." and for some insane reason you call your mom Dude. DUDE!

Wasted. Scientific term: Abriagio Crombili Wasiao-siao

adjective

Extremely inebriated, usually to the point of vomiting heavily and/or passing out.
Eg: "I was wasted last night.", "I overate and vomited out all my food. Wasted...."

Reasons to contract Abriagio Crombili Wasiao-siaoness

Good for forgetting the past. Only useful for memories in the last 8 hours.
Ridding the world of sinful alcohol. Self-sacrifice is always for a greater good. Drink up!
If you always wanted kids, there's a 29% chance of a wasted person becoming a parent in the near future.
A wasted person is the definition of pure friggin' AWESOMENESS.
Drunken Master. Ever seen that movie, hmm?
Because you don't want to be "Used".
Are you still not convinced??
No, seriously. Get wasted.

Before you actually pop a cap off some heavenly liquid in an attempt to get totally wasted, you should at least take the trouble to know what you're getting yourself into. Read: Phases of Wastedness.

Phases of Wastedness

Tipsy:

You feel slightly quorny (queer + horny). Your balance is slightly off. You can still think rationally.. oh yea.. except that you're quorny. Who says queers can't be rational?

Topsy:

Balance is off. Can't seem to rid the dizziness in your head. Everything seems to spin. You do the shuffle better than IPod can. Rationality decreases by significant amounts.

Smashed:

"Lolwoot? aye ez so wazted, aye can't eben tybe thez possthh.." Congradulations! You have defined pure, total AWESOMENESS!! You're the shizz! Everybody wants to be like you. You turn straight back. You move like a bumblefly and sting like a flea and you douse your opponents with unending jetstreams of rogue vomit.

People look sexier when you're wasted.

Now that you know the risks involved and have chosen to accept the terms of wastedness, read on...

How To Get Wasted

First of all, make sure you haven't yet been Used. Signs of Usage include sexual attraction towards animals, being allergic to alcohol or being dead. Next, run off to the nearest 7/11 and get yourself some alcohol. With the brand new bottle in hand, empty its contents into a sink / drain / cup held by two girls. Try to avoid alcohol from coming in contact with mouth in case you're Used but you just don't know. Now that you've completed the task, and you have a bottle filled with NOTHING. You're officially WASTED!

If you have got this far the author of this article would like to congratulate you by giving you a cookie, but he is limited by distance, so instead he will give you an emoticon =D

Reasons NOT to contract Abriagio Crombili Wasiao-siaoness

You don't want to forget the last 8 hours of your life. Especially when it's your wedding night. Or do you?
If you never wanted kids, Hohoho! Avoid an unexpected early Christmas present by NOT getting wasted.
Because you want to be Used.
Everything I've been telling you is a lie.
You're not really here.
This is all a dream.
GG.
YOU ARE NOT PREPARED!!!
No, seriously. Don't get wasted.

"Smashed Zamara: Unghh... Yo dudeths.. whare thuz partay at? Huh? Where am i?"
Wasted people have the ability to walk through TV sets.

Problems and Solutions

2010-09-11T03:00:00.001+08:00

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

P: Air conditioning motor makes a loud squeal like my mother-in-law.
S: recommend divorce

Basic Flying Rules

2010-09-11T01:07:00.005+08:00

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Very Wrong Toilet.

2010-09-01T15:56:00.004+08:00

I was out last night with a friend at Gardens, lets call her Ann-Ann. (Her real name initials. She'd kill me if i used her real name)

We had been walking round the mall for quite a long time and decided to head to the toilet for some self relief... yea...

As we were entering our respective toilets, i decided to pretend as if i was entering the girl's toilet. So i took a few steps up to the entrance and quickly turned out.

Ann-Ann: I DARE you!

Jian : *turns back to walk into the male toilet.*

To my astonishment, Ann-Ann was walking into the male toilet with me!!
Reason : She thought the male toilet was the female toilet, she misread the toilet signs and thought and that i was taking her "DARE".

As we walked deeper into the toilet, she tugged at my wrist signaling for me not to take another step in.

I thought to myself, "Eh.. why is she tugging at my wrist? Could it be... SHE THINKS THIS IS THE FEMALE TOILET? HAHAHAHAH!" *Cheeeeky smile*

I continued walking and she tugged even harder. Soon, we were playing tug-of-war at the toilet sinks. Ann-Ann was tugging furiously at my hand trying not to make a sound in case any "girl" came out and spotted me. Lucky for her, the toilet seemed empty. My plan was to pull her all the way in till we reached the urinals. But the urinals were too far in and me, being the gracious person that i am, decided to put her out of her misery.

Jian: HAHAHAHAACTUALLYTHISISTHEGUY'STOILETHAHAHA!

Ann-Ann: *whispers* huh? what? i don't understand you!!

Jian: HAHAHAHAHTHISISTHEGUYSTOILETLAHAHAHAH!

Ann-Ann: (still tugging) What? I still don't understand you.

Jian: HAHAHA!.. umm... actually.. *pants pants* this is the guys' toilet!! ahahahaha!!

Ann-Ann: WHAT? NO!! IT CAN'T BE!

Ann-Ann runs out to check the sign. It says "Male"

Ann-Ann: OMAIGOSHH!!!

Jian: HAHAHAHAHA!! okay i go pee.

Never will i forget such an incident. It has been engraved on my soul and ingrained in my mind. It will be enough to fuel my laughter for the next 5 years, thank you.

Hey, lovely. Was your dad a baker? Cos you've got nice buns.

The Night Flight to Penang .

2010-08-28T17:07:00.007+08:00

I aligned the aircraft with the centre line of the Runway. Sitting on my right was Capt. Rois, my instructor for the day. I maneuvered the aircraft as he handled the radios. Staring straight ahead, i could see the glowing runway lights narrowing into perspective. I engaged the brakes bringing the aircraft to a halt and prepared for takeoff.

That night we flew up to 11,000 feet. I could see the full moon from the aircraft window. Moonlight gave the clouds a grayish tint. Lightning was playing in the clouds 40 miles away on our starboard side. The air was cold. Very cold. In darkness of the moonlit sky were a few lonely stars shining down upon the vibrant colours of the cities beneath them.

Runway perspective on final approach.

How To Be a Backstreet Abortionist

2010-08-26T15:18:00.014+08:00

Dumping of babies in Malaysia is on a rise. Statistics show that in 2009 there were 979 reported cases of baby dumping. 2010 is the start of a record high with 2179 cases of baby dumping so far. A dramatic increase of more than 100% in the past one year.

Either the prices of condoms are too high or youngsters are out to set Malaysia in the Guinness Book of Records.

So you want to set up a backstreet abortion clinic? Perhaps you flunked medical school and need cash; perhaps you are an entrepreneur who has spotted a niche market; perhaps you live in Iran where abortion is illegal; or perhaps you're just some guy with a set of forceps that you don't know what to do with. Whatever the reason, with the rise of Darth Vader, the time has never been better to set yourself up as an illegal abortionist. This HowTo, drawing from my 30 years of experience in the field of illegal child-killing, is a complete guide to the art of illegal backstreet abortion.

Step 1: Location, Location, Location

Choosing a location is one of the most important choices an illegal abortionist can make. It is estimated that 30% of backstreet abortion clinics fail because of a poorly chosen premises. A good premises should be somewhere out of the way and should have a sturdy table or chair on which to perform the abortions, a drain for blood, a good escape route for when the polic come around and a nice quiet place for disposing of dead fetuses. A sink for washing hands and tools is optional.

Working From Home

The cheapest option is to set up your abortion clinic in your own cardboard box. This cuts down on transport costs and means you can sleep in every morning. However, this option also brings with it added risks of getting caught and spending a lengthy time in prison. For this reason, it may be necessary to build a Josef Fritzl-style dungeon to disguise your activities.

The Backstreet Option

A popular option amongst illegal abortionists is the dingy backstreet “clinic”. A small derelict building down a murky alley can be purchased or otherwise procured for this purpose. It is essential that your premises be out of the way – a high street shopfront may not be appropriate.

Traveling

Another popular choice is that of the travelling abortionist. In this case it is not necessary to have any premises of your own. Instead, you will visit the homes of pregnant teenagers and perform the “procedure” there. This option has the advantage that you can disappear quickly when the bleeding won't stop and never be seen again.

Step 2: Marketing

So you've bought your premises and now you want to attract your first customers. Due to the illegal nature of your enterprise it is usually not possible to advertise through normal media such as newspaper, radio and TVadvertisements.

The Internet

The Internet communications revolution has brought many benefits to society such as appendage enlargement advertisements, child pornography and MySpace. It is also a useful tool for communicating directly with your target market. Consider sending out large volumes of spam emails or using banner ads. Remember when purchasing your domain name to include useful keywords within the name, for example www.abortyourfetus.com, www.deadbaby4u.com, www.doctordeath.co.uk or www.lahmheit.blogspot.com.

Word Of Mouth

Traditionally, the premier marketing tool of backstreet abortionists is word of mouth. Try hanging around dingy bars and striking up conversations with random strangers. Inevitably, you will eventually meet someone who has a pregnant daughter to whom you should say (in a hushed and slightly sinister tone) “I know this guy who can fix her right up” and follow it up with a hearty wink. Soon, every father in the neighborhood will have you poking around inside their daughter's uterus.

Step 3: Techniques

So you've bought your premises and your first patient is sitting expectantly in the table or chair. But how exactly are you going to get the little blob of flesh out of her? We will now discuss a number of painful and dangerous techniques that doctors won't teach you in medical school.

The Wire-Coat hanger Technique

For this technique you will need: a wire coathanger, some gin (some to ease the pain and a little for you, for Dutch courage) and toilet paper (for the blood). The procedure for this operation is very much like fishing, except for human fetuses. Indeed, actual fishing tackle can be used for this procedure, though this brings with it the added risk of getting it stuck up in the peepee. Also, fetuses can be used as bait for fishing, but I digress.

The "Mexican" Technique

A young medical student attempting the Mexican technique. A delicate procedure which requires skill and brute force. Hulk Smash!

For this technique, which is used in hospitals in Mexico and throughout the Third World, you will need: some rope and a stick or a baseball bat. The patient should be tied up like a pinata and the procedure is very much like the Mexican party game – but instead of sweets you get blood and dead children. The key to this procedure is a good wrist technique with plenty of follow-through.

The "Fall"-Down-The-Stairs Technique

This common technique involves bringing the patient to the top of a set of stairs and pushing her down - repeating as necessary. A set of stairs is required.

The "Lots Of Booze And Cigarettes Technique

According to the Surgeon General, cigarettes and alcohol, as well as most other recreational drugs, can cause a potentially fatal miscarriage. This is precisely the effect you are looking for. Simply advise the patient to drink, smoke and shoot up as much as possible until her unwanted little bundle of joy falls out harmlessly during the night.

Step 4: Moral Qualms

Right now you may be feeling quite bad about what you've just done. Perhaps you are feeling a little queasy. Relax: this is normal. Abortion is a dirty job, but someone has to do it. Just remember: abortion is just a service and you are just a service provider. Think of yourself like you do an ISP, except with less bandwidth and more child-killing.

Note: The writer of this blog does not in any circumstance support the act of abortion. In fact, he is very much against it.

Good Old Mavis Beacon

2010-08-18T06:35:00.004+08:00

Ever got stuck trying to stereotype the people around you?

Oblivious to the type of groups where you can classify a person?

Introducing, the latest in software technology; Mavis Beacon - Stereotyping.
Learn the true ways of a streotypist and how you can stereotype people into whatever group you like with speed and utmost precision be it gays, fags, your loved ones or that kid you just really hate.

There's always a stereotype for everyone.

So True...

2010-08-16T05:10:00.004+08:00

The Chinese Dinner That Never Was

2010-08-10T17:15:00.002+08:00

Living in Ipoh for the past two years with my Malay housemates. I never really got to taste the goodness of real Chinese food in Ipoh.

We recently shifted out of our apartments and I'm now living with my grand uncle. One fine evening, in the land of white coffee, i decided to have my very own Chinese dinner.

As i drove the car out, i was already imagining what delicious food i was about to savor. Mhmm... yea, it was heaven in my mind OoooooH~! Heaven was in my mind. I could imagine myself eating Wan Tan Mee, Ipoh Kai Fan, Ipoh Hor Fun all the types of Chinese food cooked up in delight and sprinkled with blissful goodness. Oh, yea. Give it to me, baby!

After parking my car, i took a seat at a table at one of the hawker stalls, a Chinese lady quickly took my order for a drink. Shortly afterwards, I got up and started walking around the hawker stalls in search for food to order.

To my horror, ALL the signs on the stalls were written in Mandarin. AND I CAN'T READ CHINESE!! (the simple simple ones, yes, but these ones? These hawker dudes must have been professionals in Chinese literature) At least in PJ they have English below the Chinese words. But in Ipoh i guess they just assume everybody knows how to read Chinese. They didn't even have PICTURES!! Amg!!

I didn't want to end up going up to a Chicken Rice stall asking for Hor Fun. Hmm... Pictures and English... Where else could they be found? THE WESTERN CORNER!

Yea, i slowly walked over to the Western food stall and sure enough, there were pictures with English words written on them.

So i ended up eating Chicken Maryland.... If there was any consolation, the Chicken Maryland was really good. like... Really.... *sniffz*

I are so banana. Wo ai ni.

Pork Free?

2010-08-02T23:57:00.003+08:00

Lining up at a counter to pay for Asam Laksa, I thought I saw a sign saying "Pork Mee".

The person in front of the line left so I stepped up front and smiled at the counter lady. She smiled back and at that moment I ALMOST ALMOST asked the tudung-clad counter lady "You guys sell pork?".

Lucky I kept my mouth shut. For her tudung raised doubts in my mind. I paid and turned around only to read the sign correctly this time. It read "PORK FREE".

Phew... Close one...

NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD-STUPIDITY

2010-07-29T11:54:00.006+08:00

Ipoh, Perak - A gruesome battle involving a nineteen-year-old cadet pilot and a door lock ended in sheer embarrassment on the cadet's part.

The pilot-to-be who chose only to be described as Lee, was attempting to exit his grand uncle's house via the front door in a effort to wash his car. The car, named Maria watched in horror as Lee and the door lock whipped up a frenzy at the door. The attack started at about 4pm with Lee repeatedly assaulting the lock using a metal key.

A witness recalls the scene "It felt as if I was watching Smackdown Wrestling. Only this was real." said Lee's imaginary friend (picture).

It was only after an eternity and five minutes did Lee finally realise that he was using the WRONG KEY. Feeling like a total dimwit and malu-fied to the max, Lee calmly walked back to his room to the get correct set of keys.

"Zomgpop! i felt like a total idiot!!" said Lee in an interview with Hawt Guy magazine as he described his grueling endeavour.

"You just hate me cos I'm black." Refuted the ghetto lock. (Stanlex enjoys listening to gangsta' rap music and hanging around doors in his free time)

"I thought I'd lost him back there. That would be bad cos i REeeaaaally wanted my bath." were the words uttered by the now, squeaky clean Maria.

The government is now planning campaign "Wrong key, wrong lock or wrong house?" to create awareness on "Locks that simply don't open." and the dangers it poses to the public.

Six Words That Changed My Life

2010-07-22T10:02:00.005+08:00

"Fear No One But The Lord."

A friend of mine said before getting out of the car....

I was just telling him about my fear of ghosts and spirits and how I encountered an eerie incident a few years back.

The drive home gave me time to think about what he said. Cliche as it seems, "He was right!" I thought to myself.

Why should I be afraid of anything when I believe in a God who's bigger and mightier than anything and everything?

If there's anything I should be afraid of, it was Him!

Now, I no longer get frightened when i hear my friends talk about ghost stories.

You've probably heard someone say this a thousand times but these six words really rang true for me that day and it has impacted me in many ways even till today.

Thanks to you, Reuben. Cheers, bro.

Gaji Sedap Tak?

2010-07-15T11:03:00.006+08:00

A friend of mine, Ikram, flew to Subang airport and decided to walk around the airport to catch some air.

Wearing his pilot uniform, he was approached by an Indonesian tourist.

Tourist : Excuse me? Do you know where i can find the Departure Hall?

Ikram : *doesn't know but pretends he does* Oh... Err.. you just walk straight and follow the sign board.

Tourist : Ok, thank you. So, you pilot?

Ikram : *smiles and nods* Mhmm...

Tourist : (closes in for a whisper) Gaji sedap tak?

Ikram : Oh, ahaha! *smiles and nods* Mhmm...

Tourist : You airline mana?

Ikram : Integrated.. Integrated... (Name of our school)

Tourist : Integrated? Tak pernah dengar pun?

Ikram : Oh, it's private... private...

Tourist : Private airline?

Ikram : *smiles and nods* Mhmmm...

So, the tourist walked off thinking he had just spoken to a handsomely paid pilot from Integrated Airlines.

WOOOOOOOTS?

It's gotta be the uniform. It's making us look too sexy.

Sugar Lumps

2010-07-10T05:03:00.005+08:00

Yea, uh-huh, I know you checkin' out ma sugar lumps.

Keep bleeding... i keep, keep bleeding....

2010-07-05T18:16:00.005+08:00

If you haven't already known, my brother and I were both mugged by three Indian dudes in a kancil on Saturday morning. No, it's not a joke.

I had just came down from Ipoh that Friday evening and it took me a 5 hour drive due to the traffic congestion. I drive a manual car. Yes, due to extensive hours of working the clutch, my left leg now looks like Arnold Scwarzeneggar's six-pack. I could win Mr Universe by posing with my left leg alone.

Anyway... My brother and I were both watching the Ghana - Uruguay game at a mamak nearby our house. It was about 4am when half-time came. Both of us were tired so we decided to walk home since we lived so nearby.

On the way home, as we were casually walking and talking to each other in our neighbourhood, i noticed a white Kancil driving slowly up the road.

Me : "Car coming. Faster cross the road."

We quickly crossed the road and walked into the dimly lit back alley leading to our house (as we normally would). We could see our house from where we were. It was only a mere 60 feet away.

Suddenly the white Kancil stopped, reversed and drove into the lane we were walking in. At that point i alerady knew that something was wrong. As the car drove closer, i saw three Indian guys in the car staring at us. I was praying "Oh God, please let them ask for directions!!"

Luck wasn't on my side that day, The driver stopped the car in front of us and the three guys quickly got out of the car and came on to us. The first guy got to my brother and stabbed him in the chest with a chisel-like object. (According to my brother, the object was supposed to be blunt but it was sharpened to aid the wielder in his / her evil bidding. Muahahaha!)

While the second guy held me down, the third guy who was wielding a machete, held it up to my face and shouted at us "Keularkan SEMUA BARANG!!"

My brother and I had no choice but to agree to his polite and diplomatic agreements of "Give Me all your stuff or you die, suckers!!" At that moment, it wasn't fear or panic that gripped me. It was more of a frustration of being inconvenienced. Somehow i felt assured that my brother and I was going to be safe. So I was thinking to myself "Okay.. since I'm not going to die, after this I've got to make a police report, replace my IC, Drivers License and ATM card.. etc... ma-fan la..."

They took both our hand phones and my wallet which had RM50 inside. I would've rather died than go through the hassle of getting a new IC / Driver's license so I asked them.

Me : "Bang.. IC bagi balik la."

Fortunately, after emptying my wallet of its money, they tossed it back at me. (Yohohoho!)

Before leaving, the driver of the car punched me in the face and the machete-wielding dude hit me in the back of the head with the butt-end of the machete. The impact caused my glasses to fly off my face and land a few feet away. After inflicting such pain, the three guys got into the Kancil and quickly drove off with our hand phones and my money leaving both of us in the alley.

I remember the back of my head hurting like crazy, i looked up to see if my brother was okay. He was holding his chest.

Me : "What did he do to you?"

Bro : "The guy stabbed me."

True enough, there was a spot of blood on my brother's shirt and it kept becoming bigger.

I ran over to him and asked if he was okay. "I'm okay..." He replied

Me : "Help me find my glasses..."

Bro : "It's there."

He pointed to the spot where my glasses were. They were scratched and bent from hitting the road.

As i bent down to pick my glasses up, i felt a cold liquid running down my neck. I felt my neck with my right hand and looked at my right palm to see what it was. My palm was full of blood. It was only then did i realise that the back of my head where the machete dude hit me was bleeding like a half-running tap.

Blood dripped all over my shirt and neck.

Bro : "Kor, you also bleeding ah?"

Me : "Yea. The guy hit me so hard... Never mind la.. lets go home."

We got into the house and woke my mom to tell her what had happened. She nearly got a heart attack when she saw both out shirts covered in blood. We were talking so causally she nearly didn't believe us at first.

Me : "Eh, mi... wake up. We kena mug."

Mom : "Mhmm?... what?" *sleepy voice*

Me : "We're bleeding alot, see our shirt."

My mother sits up and opens her eyes. She realises our blood-soaked shirts.

Mom : "AIYOH!! WHAT HAPPENED??!!"

Me : "We kena mug la. I got hit in the head. Xin got stabbed."

Mom : "ARE YOU BOTH OKAY ANOT??!! AIYOOH!!"

Me : "Yea, we're just bleeding alot. Come la go hospital."

Mom : "AIYOOOOHH..!! we clean your wounds first."

Bro : "Lemme go take a piss first, been holding for so long."

After cleaning our wounds, mom drove both of us to the hospital at 4.40am where we, again, casually shocked the nurses.

As we walked in to the ward, our blood-soaked shirts caught the attention of every nurse. They looked at us in horror as if we were bloody zombies who'd just had our fill of the night's supper.

Me & Bro : "Hi.." *waves*

Nurse1 : "Omygosh, what happened to the both of you?"

Me : "Oh, he got stabbed and got hit in the head."

Nurse2 : "Faster come with me."

Machete dude was kind enough to leave me with three stitches at the back of my head. Whereas shard-object dude was thoughtful enough to grace my brother with three stitches in the lower chest. My brother's wound was 1cm deep. If the stab was any deeper it could have punctured his lungs and killed him.

After getting treated at the hospital, my brother had to stay behind for observation. The doctor feared the stab wound might cause him difficulty in breathing since it was so near his lungs.

And yes, we made a police report.

We're both alive, at home and laughing about it now.

I thank God that nothing happened to the both of us. We could've been maimed or worse still, killed. Truly the protection of God was upon us preventing my brother from being stabbed to death and preventing me from being any more retarded in the head.

Amen.

She's More Than A Woman. She's Fuzzy!

2010-07-01T14:00:00.009+08:00

SHE'S FUZZY!!

2010-06-28T09:35:00.003+08:00

If you don't buy their chicken, you might end up disappearing.

Sex in The City 2

2010-06-17T00:35:00.006+08:00

The Cast of Sex in the City in their true form. Love the dude on the right.

The highly anticipated Sex in the City 2 is the sequal of the somewhat chic-flickey Sci-Fi action-packed comedy, romantic pronographic thriller-spoof Sex in the City.

Sex in the City 2 is rated 18+ due to it's misleading title causing little children to think that you can only have sex in the city. Which is obviously untrue.

This movie is a modest remake of the 1980's "Sex in The Jungle" and 1970's "Sex on The Island", a kinky episode of Gilligan's Island. Both of which turned out to be award-winning pornographic material in retrospect.

It is also related with a TV series which was popular in 597 B.C. "Sex in The Cave". Sex in The Cave didn't win any awards because the Oscars weren't invented yet. But it did win a nobel's award issued by the Roman Emperor Julius Siscorss IVVLOL.

"I always wondered what was going on in those caves. Nasty..."
The Roman Emperor in a interview with the Roman Times.

If you're going to watch this, please don't bring your kids. Watching guys in dresses (refer to picture above) will scar them for life. They will never be the same. But alas! I WILL SURVIVE!

The X-Factor

2010-06-15T03:14:00.007+08:00

Hi, my name is... errr.. ISUREGOTXFACTOR and i will be your host for the evening. Ladies and gentlemen, you're watching (reading) the X-Factor.

The X-Factor is always sought after in a person - person relationship despite it's vagueness and somewhat alien presence be it a relationship between a boy - girl / girl - girl / boy - boy / girl - girl - boy / boy - boy - girl / girl - girl - cup / girl - boy - hammer.... dan sebagainya. It can be agreed that the sole reason why a person is constantly attracted to someone is indeed because of their X-Factor. Word.

What is the X-Factor?

Most of you must be wondering that. Many a times, the X-Factor remains conspicuous and constantly ambiguous as to what it really is. Rumour has it that it's just a talent show being aired on TV. You think? NOT!

Math Question, SPM 342 BC.

The X-Factor differs from person to person. Females (because of their genetic arrangement) have the factors XX. Whereas males (also, due to genetic arrangement) have the factors XY. Using both the statements above, find the common factor.

Answer: From the statements above we can now conclude that the common factor between males and females would obviously be X. Hence, the X-Factor. Nuff said.

Blooming Trend?
Like it or not, availability of the X-Factor is quickly becoming a trend. Guys, girls, dogs and even middle aged men have somehow developed a liking for this gnarly factor.

Starting with Hollywood, celebrity statements like "Oh, yea we went through a divorce. He / She is now my eX.". (X-FACTOR!) Or movies rated XXX (X-FACTOR!) are coming about like bunnies giving birth.

How To Get The X-Factor.

Here's a handy guide add a little spice to your moves, playah.

For her.

1. Prepare.
As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, a battle is decided before it is ever fought. Brush your hair; shave; wash; soap your body; apply shampoo and conditioner (lather, rinse, & repeat); brush, floss and suck on some breath mints; apply an expensive perfume; and dress according to the latest fashions. (Consult a women's magazine for guidance). See photo on the right : example of a well-prepared girl.

2. Camp and wait.
Being all dolled up it wouldn't be long till the first guy comes along ready to pick you up. Stand at a bar or somewhere dark. Yea, nice guys like dark places. The darker the place, the nicer the guy. useful tip: bring along a flashlight.

3. Be classy.
Take it slow with the conversations. Don't jump the gun. (You don't want to get shot.) Wink in between conversations. Do not over do it of you'll end up looking like a retarded chicken and guys don't like talking to chickens. Especially retarded chickens.

What to do when a guy approaches you

"Yo, homie waddup? How's it hangin' ma brotha from anotha' motha'?"
Walk to him and suddenly trip. When (or if) he catches you, say "I think i fell for you."
Start coughing aloud. When he comes over and asks if you're okay, stop and say "Gosh, I'm glad you're here. I was so sick of waiting for you."
Flash him. With your flashlight. (Read: 2. Camp and wait.)

For Him.

1. Prepare.
As Sun Tzu said in The Art of War, a battle is decided before it is ever fought. Brush your hair; shave; wash; soap your body; apply shampoo and conditioner (lather, rinse, & repeat); brush, floss and suck on some breath mints; apply an expensive cologne; and dress according to the latest fashions. Photo on the right shows a well-prepared guy.

2. Approach.

Find a girl. Use of hunting dogs to sniff one out may be necessary.

According to the rule, "You do not talk about Fight Club", approaching openly as if you have nothing to hide is out of the question. "Openers" and "Pick-up lines" are therefore necessary.

Example Openers

Stroll past the girl. There is an approximate 4x10^-4% chance she may stop you and talk to you for some reason. You're in!
Cut your wrists and start dying. She might notice you, and possibly help you. This technique has the added benefit that if the girl chooses to help you, she's a nice girl AND you're in!
Mug her and steal her handbag. Girls like tough guys.
Did it hurt? - She: Did what hurt? - When you fell out of heaven?~

Side Effects to Pick-Up Lines May Include

Getting arrested
Getting slapped
Loss of your body parts
External bleeding
Internal bleeding
And many more!!!

And Remember
Attaining the X-Factor is always worth it.

Twin Stripes.

2010-06-07T15:51:00.008+08:00

Please fill in the blanks to complete the following sentences with the words in the box. Use the pictures to help you. Marks will be given based on how sexy you are. Correct answers count for nothing. Peace.

Twin Stripes

Fruit basket

Spanking

Mustard?

Today i got my ______________.

Big Bird

Piper Seneca V

Horsie

Uncle Cracker's Magical Unicorn.

I will now be flying ____________.

Congratulations! (The fact that you have visited this site is evident proof of your ever-radiating sexiness. Yeah, Baby!)

Your Score was : S-E-X-Y %

Building Castles In The Sky

2010-05-25T16:15:00.022+08:00

On a bright and beautiful morning you find yourself sitting in an air-conditioned lecture hall. Number of students, 120.

"Gosh.." You think. 120 other miserable souls trying their best to absorb whatever input they can get from this 2 hour lecture. On your left is a guy. He's fast asleep with his cap shadowing his eyes. With such a posture, he looks as if he's awake and listening. He even nobs his head in approval whenever the lecturer states a point. Something worth admiring. Then you start to realise. Sleep is art.

Chuckling to yourself, you turn your head and look to your right. You see this girl, armed with highlighters of every colour, viciously going through her textbook, scribbling into her notes everything that is being said to the last detail. You can't blame her for being so rushed. Your lecturer was an ex-rapper and he still works the mike like a gangsta' You dig, homie?

Arching your back, you look around the quiet hall, everybody seems bored. Occasional yawns break the still silence. Your lecturer's voice echoes in the back of your mind... He no longer has your attention.

Slowly but surely, your mind is drifting away.... deep... into... lala land...

My name is JianShen. Friends call me Jian ~~but you can call me sexy~~. I'm part time contractor / labourer / architect, full time cadet pilot and i build castles in the sky.

For the sake of the greater good, I decided to conduct and interview with my future self. It's not easy trying to schedule anything with your future self. You're always too busy!

How did you first notice your talent?

Jian: Well, it all started out when i was in primary one. The air was hot, the teacher was doing something on the board about "How to spell numbers." This kid, next to me, was digging his nose with such ferocity. I was so worried that-- never mind. Anyway, back to what i was saying. My mind drifted away into the clouds. As it soared higher and higher, it then came to rest atop a big, white, puffy cloud. I noticed other minds there too but they were just doing their own thing. snoozing and stuff...

My mind, magically grew arms. I scooped up clumps of cloud and began piling them together. Before i knew it, i was building a cloud castle. Yea, kinda like a sandcastle only whiter, and puffier. Oh.. and made of cloud. Not sand. write that down. Did you write it down? Ok good.

It was only until after my math class ended did i step back and admire my creation - A small little white castle - and I thought to myself "Gee... not bad.."

What's the secret to your success?

Jian: There's no secret kiddo. Practice, practice, practice. The more you build them, the better you get at it.

Was it always your dream to build castles in the sky?

Jian: Um... no, not really. It's something I stumbled upon. Who knew I happened to be pretty good at it. So i kept doing it. As a hobby, you know... In my 'free' time during classes? *laughs*

If building castles in the sky wasn't your dream, what was?

Jian: I always wanted to be a pilot. It was and still is my dream. I fancied aeroplanes ever since i was a kid. The thought of flying over everything, the scenery, everything that used to be big, looking so small. It makes me appreciate God's creation even more. Sometimes in life, you just gotta see the big picture. Besides, what's the use of building castles in the sky when i can't even get to them?

Have you ever been laid?

Jian: o.O woots? You should ask a chicken that. Technically speaking, all chickens have been laid. Yea, back when they were still eggs. Stop giggling. It's a known fact.

When was your first major contract and who was it for?

Jian: My first major contract was self-given. I was 10. Yea, i decided to build a castle in the sky for my mom. Too bad work had to start during the school exam phase. I was so busy with the designs and sketches until i had no time to study at all. I got back with poor results. Mom was pretty upset.

She told me to "Stop day dreaming lah, ah-boy." obviously i paid no attention. Being young and foolish. Although I know she only hoped the best for me.

Can you show us any of your masterpieces?

Jian: Certainly.

Please explain to us how you actually made it.

Jian: First i took one of those forgotten mountains, turned it upside down and stuck 25 pillars into the ground. All evenly spaced as the support for the castle. Next, i added sugar, spice and everything nice. Did it twice and even threw in a mice. WALLAH~ There you have it. Cool, ain't it?

You said you turned a mountain upside down. How was that possible?

Jian: Everything is possible when you're daydreaming.

HOW CAN YOU EVEN ASK SUCH A DUMB QUESTION?

Dude. Just. Dude.

Do you see Sky Castle building as a good job prospect in the near future?

Jian: Of course! Land is running out as we speak! We need to look to the sky now.

What would---

Jian: Whatever dude, I'm hungry. See ya.

I Gave an Old Lady a G-String.

2010-05-21T01:27:00.008+08:00

(No, it's not what you think.)

She was pale. Her face was in shock. Sweat dribbled down her forehead as worried thoughts filled her mind.

I saw the worried expression on her face as she approached me at the bus station.

"Excuse me ah, do you have a rubber band?"

"No la auntie, sorry."

"Aiyah, cos my shoes spoil-lah. I need something to tie them to my feet." She said as she held up a pair of crocodile-mouthed shoes in her hands. "Now, i got no shoes to wear."

I looked down at her little feet and true enough, they were bare. Feeling sorry for her, i spoke again.

"Hold on-ah auntie, i think i might have something you could use."

I quickly reached inside my bass bag and pulled out two of my old bass strings. One of which was the G-string. (That's because when this string is strung as a free string in the normal tune setting, it resonates as the note G)

"Oh thank you ah-boy. Don't you need to use them?"

"Don't worry auntie, i don't use them anymore."

"Oh okay, you're my saviour-lah."

"Haha, no problem auntie."

And that's how i gave an old lady a G-string.

How To Breathe

2010-05-20T08:07:00.006+08:00

Breathing is an activity that may be necessary for respiration in aerobic exercise. By breathing you may be able to stay alive. Many of those who breathe describe it as a rewarding experience, since they are able to sustain their life through this activity.

This guide is designed for beginners and will not instantly make you an expert, but will provide you with a basic introduction to the complex art and science of breathing.

Important note:If you are under the age of 18, you should have a responsible adult supervise you. Please consult a doctor before beginning any exercise program. Failure to do so may cause brain hemorrhaging. And please don't sue us.

Prerequisites

In order to breathe you must be aerobic. For example, if you are a Clostridium botulinum bacterium and are anaerobic, it is not recommended that you attempt to breathe, but we congratulate you on being the first of the bacteria to be able to read English.

Tip

If you are a yeast fungus, do not try to breathe. You should try fermentation instead.

Also, this guide was not written for underwater breathing. If you are a fish, we apologize.

We also assume that you are anatomically at least somewhat similar to a human.

For the purposes of this guide, you need:

lungs
a trachea, a pharynx etc.
a nose (optional)
a brain
a diaphragm - a muscle that contracts so that air can be drawn into the lungs

Basically, you need a working respiratory system. In addition, you must be alive. It is very important that you are currently alive.

Since we assume that you are anatomically at least somewhat similar to a human, make sure that you are in an area with plenty of oxygen. The Earth's atmosphere, although mostly nitrogen, is sufficient. Do not try to breathe with pure nitrogen. It will have no effect. Inhaling large amounts of carbon dioxide may result in asphyxiation. Remember, if you do not have any oxygen, breathing is by and large pointless.

Check around for open containers of V.X. nerve gas, or pairs of bare, unwashed feet before you try to breathe. If you find such containers or feet, do not attempt to breathe. Rapid unconsciousness and death have been reported by beginners who failed to check for the presence of nerve gas or smelly feet in their immediate vicinity. Death can be a serious setback if you're attempting to breathe.

Why do I also need a brain? I don't have one!

If you do not have a brain, you will be unable to follow the instructions.

I am dead. What do I do?

We are sorry. This guide is unable to help you. You can, nevertheless, try to become a zombie, At this stage, the T-virus would be the most effective in aiding you.

Step 1: Detecting Your Organs

Fig. 1 - A diagram of a diaphragm.

First of all, you should know where all your organs are. If you are a human, your lungs should be behind your ribcage and your diaphragm should be at the bottom of your ribcage. Your nose should be located above your mouth. If you have trouble locating these components, try consulting an expert.

Please make sure that your central nervous system is properly connected to your diaphragm muscle and that your brain is set up properly. If you do not know how to check this connection, please consult your owner's manual. If your owner's manual is lost, missing or temporarily misplaced, dial the help hotline. The help hotline was affixed to your umbilical cord at birth, much like the warning stickers on cords of household appliances.

Tip

Do not give up yet!

After you succeed in detecting the necessary organs and ensuring their proper connection, you will be ready to proceed to the next step.

Step 2: Inhaling

Fig. 2 - Air goes into your nose.

If you are ready, you may now try to inhale. Make sure that you are really ready. Do not rush. Take your time.

Slowly contract your diaphragm. Air should now begin to flow through your nose into your pharynx, trachea, lungs etc. When you have contracted your diaphragm for 1-3 seconds, you should proceed to the next step. Do not try to only inhale and not exhale or you may explode. This is a common mistake that many beginners make.

Tip

Do not stop here. Knowing only how to inhale will get you nowhere. Complete the whole guide. You can do it. Success comes in cans, not cannot, cant's or bottles.

Argh! I CAN'T DO IT!

Don't be mad! Be glad!

Step 3: Exhaling

Fig. 3 - Air goes out of your nose.

Now you may try to exhale. Slowly relax your diaphragm muscle. Do not proceed too quickly. Air should now come out. Congratulations! You can breathe now!

Tip

To celebrate your great achievement, you should go outside and scream, "I CAN BREATHE!!!!!!!!!!" to demonstrate your great superiority over your species.

Tip

If you don't succeed at first, try again, and then try again and again and again and again and again...until you go insane and have to be kept in a mental hospital.

May Way On The Highway

2010-05-17T02:33:00.001+08:00

"May Way On The Highway"

Such a statement was never invented by a Malaysian.

Too many tolls on Malaysian highways.

"My way on the... aiyah, pay toll again??"

My Mom

2010-05-12T20:56:00.008+08:00

My mom was pretty upset when it seemed that we forgot to wish her for Mothers' Day.

Mom : Aiyah, you see bla...bla...bla... she bought her mother bla...bla..bla.. The both of you (my brother and i) also never buy anything for me.

JianXin : Don't worry la, Mi (Mummy). I purposely only never wish you. Surprise you only! Here's a poem i wrote for you.

Mom : Waah, thank you. *turns to me* You leh, Shen? Never give mummy anything?

JianShen : Mi, what I'm going to give you, money can't buy. *gives a hug and kiss* Happy Mother's Day.

Mom : haha. Thank you, son.

Yea, you can say my brother and i are pretty cheeky. Hohoho!

If you were wondering, the poem my brother wrote goes like this. It rang so true for me.
(Edited by yours truly)

My MoM

Let me start by saying this,
Before i go and take a piss,
It's funny how life turns out,
And sometimes, it could feel like a bout.

Right now, let me tell you one thing,
Our family loves you, and I'm not kidding.
Although you nag and nag at me all day,
All i ever do is sleep and play.

You send me to school hoping that I'll study,
I come back with my shoes all muddy.
When you tell me to think of my future,
I'll be thinking of tonight's supper.

I'm sorry for the times I hurt you.
And I love you, I will always do.

You take care of me when i fall sick
At times, i know it can be a headache.
I thank you for all the sleepless nights you encountered.
I wish your days will never be numbered.

There will come a time when you don't know who is who.
Rest assured that I'll see you through.
Thank you for raising me up till today.
Your sacrifices i could never repay.

You endured pain for hours during labour
And there were times i couldn't even do you a favour...
After hours and hours of pain,
All I've ever done is complain.

Although when i say it it's full of pun,
I'm actually glad to be your son.

Its already May
All i want to say...
is Happy Mother's Day.

Ice-cream

2010-05-11T01:43:00.001+08:00

makes me happy.

I Love My Friends. (and their bimbo moments.)

2010-05-02T20:57:00.006+08:00

Bimbo moments could happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime regardless of age, race or gender. Im sure most, if not, all of us have had bimbo moments before.

For example, like today....

Aaron : How's Schwartzeneggar (not his real name)?

Bob (also, not his real name) : Oh, he's been smoking alot. He's a heavy smoker now. Like me la!

Alia : Really? What's your weight?

Jian, Aaron, Bob, Alwin : HAHAHAAHAHSDHDAHFAHHAHASHDFHGHKJHA~!!

Alia: What, what i don't get it? *blur*

Alia, oh Alia. You know i love you. :P

On, To The Twin!!

2010-04-22T15:39:00.004+08:00

Cirrus baby, its been a pleasure flying with you.
but we've come to a crossroads and the time has come for me to leave you.
There will be other pilots who will come along, other pilots to fly you
So long, for now.
I will always remember the times we had together.

*Muax*

PS: i hope you don't mind, but i flew your 6 other sisters, too.

Piper Seneca V, I'll be there soon.

Broke-The-Backlight

2010-04-21T16:06:00.007+08:00

Will Edward and Bella have their happily ever after?

Or will he finally realise his feelings for Jacob?

Find out in the next sequel of Bilight.
Premieres 21st Dec 2012.

(Im sorry ladies... it just had to be done.)

Playah~

2010-04-16T08:39:00.006+08:00

Grind down town. Don't let it frown. That's how you got to play the game, playah.

It takes more than natural dope to up-class your game.
Homie, you need blood, sweat and most importantly, moolah.

Suave and charisma are your friends. Make them your best ones. For these suckers gonna save you from scooping low.

Reasons to be a playah

Many famous people were once players
For example Tiger Woods, Harry Potter and even Bruno.
Playahs be getting it daily, nightly and ever so rightly, especially on a thursday.
You don't have to change your name when playing Counterstrike.

If you folks want some advice, Imma gonna school you on playah-logy.

First rule on being a playah.

Dressing.

A true playah always knows how to look presentable.

We live in a world where women outnumber men, yo! Wherever you go, ladies gonna be checking you out top to toe. So give them something to look at.

May they appreciate the creation of the Almighty the way we do them. * wink*

You ain't got to bust your wallet for something expensive.
True playahs knows how to grind stylishness and grind economical. Spend wisely aight?
After all, you ain't a playah if you a wastah. You dig?

If you think that ain't enough to bring your A-game, Imma give you the second rule, playah.

Know when to run.

Like all great storytellers, a true playah lives to see another day.

If you hitting on a cutie and her boyfriend looks somewhat like Arnie Terminator, dash, yo!
Retreating ain't no cowardice. It's just strategy, homie.

Save yourself and perhaps live to tell the tale.

The only thing worse than a gay man is a dead man.

That's all for today playahs. If you need more advice, be sure to call me at 1-300-PLAYAH.

Football At It's Whackiest.

2010-04-04T00:03:00.006+08:00

Football football football. Is that all guys talk about?

Ofcourse not!! We also talk about cars, chics, chickens (older chics) andlotsofotherstuff.
We're not shallow, we're pretty deep. Dont drown ah...

Today we look at football from a different perspective.
For those of you who dont know a thing about football and it's pilotics, here's the down low on it.

Once hailed the "world's stupidest sport", football has gone a long way since the medival ages.
yea, 22 guys chasing one ball?? Stupid right?
NO, Football is a game of teamwork, accuracy and a test of endurance. A fight of the fittest.

A football player has to train day and night. They train every morning, they train every afternoon. Heck, they even train in their sleep. Its just good to know that they dont get paid all that money for nothing.
Apart from their busy train schedule, they also have their acting classes.
This ain't no normal acting class. It requires pure skill and talent to fake a fall especially when the world is watching you.

It has to be correctly timed. Every milli second counts and they have to get the right camera angle to make it look real.

Pays off alot. Especially when done in the penalty box.Why do you think footballers suddenly lose their balance when near the goal?
Lousy playing? Fumble?

No, it's good acting.

A footballers' acting "puts those people holding em' Oscars to shame."

Some profile news on two big managers this season.

First up, we have the one and only, the gut wrenching, overreacting, iron jaw.

Sirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr~ Alex Furgeson!! *crowd cheers*

"I'll just hold it steady right here. Maybe they'll take me for a watch add. hehehe"
-Sir Alex Furgason on making (more) money-

Sir Alex Furgason aka Fergie has not only been the manager of Manchester United FC for the pas gazillion years but he's also the main shareholder to BubbleYum.

They dont call him Iron Jaw for nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, look at that face of his. A jawline like that can only be obtained by chewing gum everyday. Like, all the time. like.... chew until chew in sleep kinda chew.

Over the past years of his position as Man U FC manager, Sir Alex Furgason has himself comsumed a stunning 25 million worth of gum. He's got one for every match. Or maybe he's been chewing the same one since he became manager in 1986? Yucks...

Mhmm... this man brings a new meaning to the word Fergalicious. Probably the name of his personal chewing gum.

Next up we have straight faced, iron gut, uber play it cool dude - Guus Hiddink!!

This man.....!! This maaaann... reigns supreme as manager of Chelsea. Needless to say, he's brought tremendous glory to Soviet Russia. (Russia being said rrrrrRRRRRRussia!) Why? I dont know why. He looks Russian. Solid proof that he should be assumed a Russian in this post. Too bad.

More like a super saiyan with white hair, Guus Hiddink plays it cool every match.
Goal scored? He doesn't react like Fergie who jumps around as though he's got a monkey in his pants.

He just holds one hand out, grips his first tightly, serious face and says "Yesssss....!"

"In Soviet Russia, balls kick YOU!!"
-Guus Hiddink on football-

SO SERIOUS RIGHT? WALOAEH!! Scare me.

As funny as football gets, it really is a beautiful game. I know. :)

Of Blue Skies and Sunsets

2010-03-23T17:44:00.008+08:00

Give Thanks.

2010-03-17T14:57:00.003+08:00

The list of things i want

New shirts
Speakers for my laptop
A good 5 string bass guitar
New and improved desktop.

The list of things i need.

Home
Family
Food & water
Breathable air

More often than not, the list of things we want dwarf the list of things we need.
Well, in my case i cant think of anything else to add on my want-list. hehe!

So, what's the difference between our wants and our needs?
Our wants are usually the things we don't have. That's why we want them (duh).
Whereas our needs are the things we have and often take for granted. Refer to the list above.

I could be cheesy and insert "To make you smile." or "For you to be happy." or "To make sweet love to a sour plum." on my want-list but that would be out of the point.
Besides, I don't want to make sweet love to a sour plum.

Lets shift our sights from the things we want to the things we need!
Look at what we have. Clean water, food on the table, a roof above our heads, electricity!!

Don't tell me you don't have electricity because if you didn't then you wouldn't be able to read this blog post.

Don't tell me you don't have clean, drinkable, bath able water because everybody who reads this blog smells good.

At least they do so after they read... it's like... *poof* "Hey! I just visited www.lahmheit.blogspot.com and now i smell amazing!"

I'm thankful! I'm thankful!
I'm thankful for.... the list of things I'm thankful for!
Yes, I'm thankful for having things to put on my thankfulness-list
I'm also thankful for the things on my thankfulness-list.
I'm thankful that i can even feel thankful!!
I'm thankful that i can even feel.
I'm thankful i have a reason to be thankful.
I just ate. I'm pretty full. I give thanks. Gee... guess I'm thank-full. Hohoho!

The list of things I'm thankful for.

1. My awesome mother.

2. My awesome father.

3. My brother and sister.

4. My awesome family (i guess awesomeness is in the genes.)

5. My goofy Ipoh housemates - Hazwan and Adam. Don't worry ladies, we're not gay.

6. Anybody else who thinks that they made a significance in my life, whoever you are, I'm thankful for you.

7. Clean air to breathe

8. Clean water for me to make dirty.

9. Drinkable water for me to make yellow(ish).

10. The opportunity to pilot aeroplanes.

11. My one too many whacky friends. Especially the Mamak Gang.

12. The ability for me to count.

12. Count fail.

13. Good, flyable weather whenever i need it.

14. Transportation whenever i need it.

15. Sunshine!!

Thank thank thank?
Thank who? Tank Left 4 Dead?

No,
Thank God.

"Im Afraid There's Nothing Much I Can Do About It."

2010-03-09T15:07:00.003+08:00

o
/[]\
/\

-Dr Doolittle's favourite quote.-

For The Drivers

2010-02-25T17:19:00.005+08:00

Jam Industry

One of Malaysia's side products is the traffic-flavoured jam. Thanks to roads that were molded in strange various ways, it is deemed common to find the production of this uniquely flavoured jam at any part of this monkey half-island, and normally between the twin peak hours of morning and evening (which is determined by the position and angle of the Twin Peak Towers on the surface of the Earth against the Moon and the Sun and the whole universe waddaheck). Unfortunately, the government wasn't genius enough to think of the idea of exporting this kind of jam because the only market they'd thought of was the local market.

The phrase "stuck in a jam" normally refers to the local people who enjoy bathing in the jam and honking all around to exclaim how tasty this traffic-flavoured jam really is.

Surveys reported that quite a number of tourists enjoyed this jam more than the Durian (which was actually the main ingredient in making stink bombs used during the Holy Party Wars and the upcoming Neighbourhood Wars) in which they will go around expressing their delight in 'heartfelt swearing'. Despite it's growing popularity, traffic-flavoured jam still remains second behind the controversial Blackcurrant concoction used to make Blackcurrant jam (duh)

Oh well, that's all you can really say about them anyway. Walaoeh.

Accidents

If you happen to see a car hit a motorcycle nearby, quickly stop your car and stand there to watch to see if the biker died or is still alive. Make sure you join the crowd, watch and talk nonsense as if you care and are willing to help. Don't call an ambulance - they wont arrive in time and besides, it's not that you really care.

Those who don't want to stop their cars can always slow down and irritate the rest of the drivers behind you. You may stare at the dying victims and say; "Waaa.... nowadays very dangerous, drivers are so careless...." and then drive away with no sense of sympathy whatsoever. You MUST do this otherwise you are not Malaysian (lah).

Last but not least - make sure you copy down the number plates of the vehicles for 4D. The more serious the accident, the better. The best number is from a car that hit a pig and crashed into a muddy hole filled with angry crocodiles, exploding - killing three butterflies and one very delicious pineapple tart that happened to be nearby. This ensures 100% win in a lottery.

Tong Tong ChianG!!

2010-02-12T21:05:00.002+08:00

CHINESE NEW YEAR IS HERE!!!

Food, Money, Women (aunties). Seriously, could a guy ask for more?

Here are some wise, chinese, Jianfucious sayings to start your new year.

Be prosperous, get fat.

The end is near!! Eat while you can.

Two ang paus are better than one.

Pink is the new black? Red is the new pink? Colourblindness is the new cool!

The number 8 is good until found in an ang pau.

Avoid saying "for" (four). You will die.

Gong don't see Fa Chai if you cover his eyes.

Love, Mr Random

2010-02-05T20:01:00.005+08:00

This was an email from me to a friend of mine. Her original name was changed to avoid sheer embarrassment. If you cannot handle the ambiguity and randomness of this email, pick your nose. These small words are here to make you strain your eyes.

HI KELSEY RAJINTA KUSHNAVENNI!! *wink*

I'M TYPING IN CAPS COS I LOVE YOU ALOT.
SO I WANT YOU TO SEE ME TALK BIG BIG!!

OH OH OH.
I'M FLYING SO FREQUENTLY!!
I'M FLYING ALMOST EVERY DAY.

I LOVE IT ALOT!! WHEEE~!

TIRED TIRED BUT ENJOY ENJOY.

I SHALL NOW DECLARE MY LOVE FOR CHAR SIEW KAI FAN.
IT IS PIZZAWESOME!

PIZZAWESOME = BETTER THAN AWESOME.
ANYTHING WITH "PIZZ" ADDED MAKES IT A SUPER OF THE SUPERLATIVE.

BUT IT CAN ONLY BE USED FOR A FEW HAPPENING WORDS.
OR ANYTHING JIAN SHEN COMES UP WITH COS IT'S HIS WORD.

in this email i shall type with a sentence not in caps.
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

THE GORILLA HAD THE BANANA!
NEW METAPHOR!

IT MEANS... the ape got the fruit which is called a "banana"

SHALALALA~@! :D

SO, TELL ME ABOUT YOUR LIFE.
I WANT TO HEAR IT.

TELL ME!!!

GIVE IT TO ME BABY! *U-HUH U-HUH!!*

YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET.

DEEPER THAN THE SEA - THE VITAMIN SEA!

MUAX MUAX MUAX. I LOVE POCKY...

14 Ways To Save Mother Earth

2010-01-27T20:33:00.012+08:00

Prevent landfills - Burn your rubbish. (not churches)
Avoid open burning - Burn your rubbish indoors.
If you see a litterbug, go Burce Lee on him and bury him alive when he's unconscious. We're all biodegradable anyway.
Save water - Pee on grass
Avoid using the flush. If it's yellow let it mellow. If it's brown flush it down. See again number 4
Stop washing your clothes. Buy new ones instead and give your soiled ones to those who need it. Recommended for those born with a golden spoon (or teeth) in their mouths.
Plant a tree, burn a book. Don't forget to burn it indoors.
Don't exhale when you smoke.
Leave the trees alone! Stop eating veggies!
Save electricity - Play in the dark.
Kill all herbivores. See again number 9.
Call Father Earth.
See number 16.
Strengthen trees - Poop near them.
Text Father Earth.
See again number 13.
Set up ridiculous blog posts on "How to save the earth"
Forget how to count.
Recycle! Cycling is good exercise.
Be handsome.

Today I Learnt...

2010-01-20T19:44:00.006+08:00

One tiger's meat can be another tiger's veggies.

One man's pork can be another man's non-halal.

One man's pride can be another man's downfall.

One man's pizza can be another man's nasi lemak.

One rabbit's carrot can be another bunny's cucumber.

One man's "Hey, im bored. Let's go burn a church." can be another man's "Zomg! They burnt our church!"

there are a thousand and one ways you can say this but they all mean the same.

So learn to love.

This is Malaysia, thank God for diversity!

500 Days of Summer

2010-01-19T17:55:00.000+08:00

Is nothing compared to living in Malaysia.

6,570 days of summer and counting.

AAA

2010-01-19T17:22:00.007+08:00

AAA is, was, and will always be, without question the greatest video game player on Earth. Known only by the three initials on arcade high score lists, he has left his ubiquitous mark in the RAM chips of countless motherboards. He both owns and has played every single video game in the universe including the super inteligent ones developed by the Pentagon that suck you into a Tron-like cyberspace where you fight to the death against the CPU itself. He has killed approximately 12 video game CPUs in this fashion.

Among other acolades awarded to him, he has a cylindrical battery cell size named after him as well as an automobile organization.

It is not know exactly what AAA looks like, as he is understandably reclusive. Conflicting eyewitness reports of a skinny twenty-something Korean with subtle, a pasty-faced former Atari beta-tester and even a six foot tall Eastern European have all at some points been attributed to AAA. It is clear that unless he actually chooses to publically reveal himself, we can only continue to speculate. Personally, i think he is a tall, Aisan, stunningly handsome, single. twenty something, well built hunk. *Sigh* Unfortunately the odds are that AAA is a small Japanese boy with a ridiculous among of talent at DDR. Most of the time he wears a hood to hide his face. Scary.

I Believe I Can Camwhore In The Sky

2010-01-10T19:29:00.014+08:00

The time was 8.30am.

I was flying overhead Chemor town, North of Ipoh.

The cloud blanket was at 1000 feet so i decided to fly down to 1,400 feet.

And that's when........

Here's how it looked like from the starboard wing.

A thin blanket of stratus clouds

I looked over my port wing

And......

Here's a bird's eye view of a small part of Chemor town.

pewpew!

I BELIEVE I CAN CAMWHORE IN THE SKY lyrics by Jian

I used to think that I could not go on

And life was nothing but an awful song

But now I know the meaning of true lift

I'm leaning on the everlasting wings

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly

I believe I can camwhore the sky

I think about it every night and day

Grab my phone and click away

I believe I can soar

No no no, I'm a pilot not a camwhore

I believe I can fly

See I was on the verge of landing down

Sometimes the engine can be so loud

There are altitudes in life I must achieve

But first I know it depends on my air traffic clearance, oh

If I can see it, then I can do it

If I just believe it, there's nothing to it

I believe I can fly

I believe I can camwhore the sky

I think about it every night and day

Grab my phone and click away

I believe I can soar

No no no, I'm a pilot not a camwhore

I believe I can fly

Hey, if I just spread my wings

I can fly

I can fly, hey

If I just spread my wings

I can fly

Fly-eeEEyyEe-eYEEYEYEEEYEYEe

4 Years of Lahmheit.

2010-01-06T14:42:00.011+08:00

Dear Readers,

It's been 4 years now since Lahmheit first started. It's hard to believe that it's been 1,460 lame days since this blog first began broadcasting its abominous signal and began hacking onto the internet, corrupting minds of younglings.

I want to personally thank everyone. First and foremost, the writer of this blog. Thank you for being so cool and sexy and awesome - spending countless hours drafting and perfecting your posts to ensure that it displayed the utmost standards of comedy and of course highest quality doodoo-ness. Most of all, i would like to thank you, dear readers for showing your everlasting support towards this cyberspace-loaded nonsense in which I created, boosting my hit counter and allowing yourself to be bombarded by wave after wave of subliminal messaging, which makes me happy. Thank you for somehow managing to tolerate this page.

Which brings us to the main part of this post.

I'm sorry! Oh God. I know I am. I know I'm the worst. And I'm trying to fix it! Really! Well, try is a kind of a strong word. It's more of a passive hope with no desire to put forth any actual effort. It's the thought that counts, right?

The points is, I didn't mean for it to turn out this way. I had so many great ideas of humour writing, to tickle yo' funny bone, to make you LoL and RoFL. The road to comedy hell is paved with good intentions, I suppose. But come on. Confucious Says? The Ultimate Card? If The World Was Without Lameness? JianShen's Dictionary? Ode To Food? Being Lame is Good??? I'm sorry I even started this whole thing up. Honestly, what was I thinking? Trying to be funny on the Internet? People on the Internet aren't funny! If they were funny they would be funny in real life, and have no reason to be on the Internet. Stupid stupid stupid!

It would be easy, perhaps, to blame the founder of Lahmheit, JianShen, for what this perverted blog has become. It's all your fault Jian!

Anyways, to anyone too free to find another website to waste all their time on, I'm terribly sorry, and thanks for reading.

Love, Jian.

Pos Yang Amat Kelakar

2009-12-19T19:23:00.002+08:00

Hai semua orang. Ini pos pertama saya bikin dalam BM. Sejuk tak? Sejuk? Batuuu~

Bukan sahaja pos ini dalam BM tetapi Chinaman punye BM. Di samping menaikkan semangat patriotisme dan cinta akan bahasa kita, gua nak mengekalkan tradisi turn-turn-turn-turn, ataupun turn temurun.

Gua tau cara gua bikin pos ini macam orang bodoh, tetapi macam mana mau buat kamu gelak-gelak? Haiyaaa~ Macam ini la! Kamu suka ma?

So, gua mau tanya lu. Scorpion apa kaler?

Tak tau? Manyak senang maaa... Kaler Jenking la!

Satu lagi aa... Rainbow apa kaler?

Aiyo, Kaler-ful la!

So, u orang suka ma? jom kita gelak cara chinaman! *hihihihihihihihi*

Jangan pukul saya aa...

The Yummy History

2009-12-15T20:32:00.005+08:00

There was once a time when men of stature, man of honour and men of liberty - free men willing to lay down their lives to stand up and to claim what was rightfully theirs. The Hamburger.

It has long been an issue in debates regarding the origins of the Divine Hamburger. A food so rich and tasty it has attained godly status. Truly a food from the heavens. I cheese you not.

It all started in 1845 when a young chap by the name of Luc Von Van Burger Burglar Vulgar decided to revolutionize the art of eating by inventing a food so unique, so exquisite it could make Ferrero Rocher taste like doggie poopie.

Luc Von Van Burger Burglar Vulgar went around the world searching high and low for the finest tasting ingredients which was to make his super food super rich, super tasty, super sacrilegious, super fergalicious, super awesome, super uber, super fergalicious, super delicious, super mouth-watering, super fergalicious and super addictive. Did i mention super fergalicious? Many a times he came close to losing his life to vicious guard dogs, poison gas and angry locals but who cares anyway?

At the end of his quest, Luc Von Van Burger Burglar Vulgar finally came up with a strange cuisine. A perfectly grilled steak dipped in special sauce topped with lettuce and creamy mayo sandwiched between two puffy, golden buns. He named the first half after his lover which he had a gay affair with, Hamlet and the other half of the name was from his own. Hence, naming the cuisine the Hamburger!

Years after that, the Hamburger was adopted by fast food joints all over the world. Big restaurants abusing and poisoning what was left of the original Hamburger, adding cancer causing bacteria into the meat and serving them to unsuspecting customers. One of the suspects found guilty, who's last name was omitted from this post to protect my butt from being sued, was a man named Ronald.... I say again, RONALD....

True devotees of the original Divine Hamburger can still be found along Malaysian streets carrying out their sacred duties of feeding the public.

A stall by the name of "Nice Burger" resides in Ipoh, where only last night a young, handsome man name JianShen who's looks were far better than any squirrel's took a bite of the succulent, juicy, tender meat. The meat melted in his mouth due to his pure awesomeness. It was like chewing heaven. Yet again I cheese you not.

So why bust your wallet forking out your hard earned moolah at fast food joints where all their food is made by robots? Go out and enjoy the pure awesomeness of any Ramly Burger and/or Nice Burger. The risk of food poisoning is greatly increased but hey, it's worth it.

Therefore i urge you. Stop living in sin. Eat some burger.

Now.

To The One

2009-12-10T21:06:00.005+08:00

To the one who first looked upon me and called me "son"

To the one who helped me in my first baby steps

To the one who used to give me piggybacks.

To the one who picked me up when i fell from that bicycle.

To the one who so calmly said "It's okay, just try again."

To the one who held my hand while crossing the street.

To the one who spoonfed me when i was young.

To the one who said "stop sucking your thumb!"

To the one who dared me to dream.

To the one who tells me to do my best.

To the one who spanked me when i needed it.

To the one who always told me to respect my mother.

To the one who carried me to the clinic when I had athsma.

To the one who taught me how to comb my hair.

To the one who taught me how to tie my shoes.

To the one who gave me a home.

To the one who works eight hours a day for his family.

To the one who sometimes brings home what little of his massive workload.

To the one who saw to it that his children would have the opportunities he never had.

To the one who pays {insert amount here} for my studies.

To a person of few words.

To the one who worked and saved up for 20 years for me to spend it in 2 years, studying.

To the one who truly understands the meaning of the word "sacrifice".

To the one who doesn't want to retire early so that his children will have enough money for their studies.

To the one who loves his wife and three children more than they will ever know.

To the one who i sometimes take for granted.

To the one who's face lights up with a smile with a simple gesture of a hug and an "I love you."

To the one who taught me how to drive. (plus, paid for my driving lessons)

To the one who taught me how to be a man.

To the one who has my utmost respect.

To the one who inspires me.

To the person whom so often forget to thank.

To my Father - my hero.

I love you, Pa.

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905

2009-12-06T00:38:00.007+08:00

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 was an especially good sandwich. High in cholesterol, maybe, but really quite delicious. Sandwich connoisseurs, if they still existed, would all agree that it surpassed all other sandwiches of its type and, indeed, probably surpassed most other varieties of sandwich. Alas, the night the sandwich was presented, that of October 14, 1905, marked the end of the noble tradition of sandwich connoisseuring, a great loss to the world of international snobbery.

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich was built in four stages, starting exactly one year before the sandwich was to be revealed to the public. These stages were in themselves very momentous events, making headlines across the world and affecting the stock market in ways grossly out of proportion to their material significance. An international team of chefs, highly specialized in the craft of sandwich-making, was assembled from over 250 countries; an absurdly large figure, given the fact that there are less than two hundred countries in the world.

Stage One: The Bread

The first stage in making the Sandwich was making the bread upon which it would be served. After much debate amongst the chefs in charge of the project, it was agreed that the bread to be used would have to be dense enough to handle the grease from the bacon without falling apart, but not so dense that the bacon and cheese would be lost in its granary depths. It was also agreed that wheat, not rye, bread was to be used, for the sake of familiarity. At the insistence of the French, the bread would be sourdough. Finally, the bread would have to be really big, because the completed sandwich was to be over sized.

The wheat was harvested in the Ukraine, using scissors to pick only the absolute best stalks, and the grain itself was picked using sterilized platinum tweezers. Then, they ground it between two slabs of solid white marble and proceeded to make the dough using the purest spring water they could find, and the sourdough starter came from one of the chef's refrigerators, who just happened to have some lying around.

After the dough was allowed to rise for exactly the appropriate amount of time (2 hours, 24 minutes, and 17 seconds), the chefs agreed that no method of baking yet known to man would suffice for baking bread of this magnitude (it weighed 153 pounds). They custom-built a giant oven made of structural steel and red brick, designed to be hoisted by crane into the heart of a living volcano, where the bread would bake.

Everything went exactly as planned: the massive loaf of bread emerged from the oven, baked to perfection. A diamond-edged bread knife was crafted for the sole purpose of slicing the bread when the time came.

Stage Two: The Cheese

Probably one of the most hotly contested aspects of the Sandwich, the cheese eventually chosen was cheddar, but this decision was delayed for nearly two weeks as the French, British, and Italian elements all argued over what type of cheese to use. Even worse, many chefs from the same countries didn't agree, bickering over regional varieties. The Americans, realizing that the Europeans obviously took their cheese way too seriously, shocked everyone into silence by declaring that there was one obvious choice: sharp, yellow cheddar cheese.

Once that was settled, dairy cows from around the world were fed the most absurdly expensive wheat, corn, and oat grain available. The cows were massaged, manicured, and made to listen to live classical music for a week before the milk to be used was gathered into gold-plated buckets, to prevent any contamination of flavor.

For the sake of creating a gratuitous air of mystery, the actual cheese making process was conducted under the "uddermost" secrecy by the most blessed cheese makers that could be found in the phone book. The final result was a solid block of orange-yellow cheddar cheese the size of a rhinoceros, to be aged until it came time to make the Sandwich.

Stage Three: The Bacon

The gathering of ninety-six pounds of non-halal kosher bacon was the last stage before the Sandwich was to be made, because pork doesn't keep for very long. Some of the world's largest babis were selected for this purpose, and each of them was given treatment similar to that which the lembus had received in Stage Two, except they were fed on black and white truffles, for the sake of racial diversity, and the porkers showed a distinct preference for smooth jazz over classical music. A few days before Stage Four was to start, the babis were slaughtered in the most humane way possible: decapitation by highly skilled ninjas, whose razor-sharp katanas and flawless aim made for a quick and painless death.

After being cured in brine made from more of that spring water and salt from the Dead Sea, the bacon was smoked by a combination of hickory, mesquite, and apple hardwoods. Frying was delayed until the beginning of Stage Four.

Stage Four: The Making

This was it: the crafting of the great Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905. The world waited anxiously while, in a kitchen built especially for this occasion in Switzerland, the international team of chefs prepared the Sandwich for its October 14 debut. Every single sandwich connoisseur had gathered for the event in a large hall, plates at the ready.

The bread was cut into slices, with the biggest two being about twelve feet square, three feet by four feet. The cheese also was cut, by a rather fat man named Harold who was then asked to leave the kitchen. The cheddar cheese was then removed from its wax casing and sliced into perfectly proportioned pieces, and these slices were carefully placed onto one of the pieces of bread. A team of experts, wielding nonstick frying pans, fried the bacon, and finally the pinkish strips of protein were placed on top of the cheese, and the other slice of bread delicately laid on top.

Triumph seemed to be just moments away, when one of the chef's assistants noticed something that had been missed earlier: in the months it had lain in the pantry waiting for this day, the bread had acquired a tiny, tiny little bit of yucky blue-green mold on its crust. Unwilling to let a year's work go completely to waste, several of the top chefs ran to the grocery store and bought some sliced bread, bacon, and cheese, and whipped up another Sandwich in about five minutes.

When the curtain was drawn, each and every one of the sandwich connoisseurs immediately RoFL-ed from disappointment when they realized there would not be enough to go around. Still, it was a pretty good sandwich.

Studies Have Shown....

2009-11-30T03:24:00.003+08:00

Studies have shown that you're more likely to get shot running away from a fat cop.

Studies have shown that gay people are homosexuals.

Studies have shown that there is a likelihood of becoming fat by eating too much.

Studies have shown that homosexuals are gay.

Studies have shown that thinking of yourself causes cancer.

Studies have shown that even the yellow brick road fell victim to "Mr. Lion's" poopie.

Studies have proven the gayness in homosexuality.

Studies have shown that in order to receive treatment, patients suffering from memory loss have to pay up in advance.

The gayness in homosexuality has been proven by studies.

Studies have shown that the only time a door is not a door is when it's ajar.

Studies have shown that the cure for insomnia is sleep.

Studies have shown that "yo momma" isn't so fat after all.

Studies have proven that homosexuals are gay and that gay people are homosexuals who are actually gay in a homosexual way.

Three Random Facts

2009-11-26T04:07:00.006+08:00

Three Random Facts.

Random Humour and Chicken are the only ingredients with a 50% failure rate
Pink Gorilla
..._... _._.. (Morse Code)

The Other Three Random Facts!

You have to stop picking your nose
See again, number 1.
you're staring at the computer now going "I wasn't thinking about chicken soup."

An Additional Three Random Facts!

I was born with three thumbs but i grew up with two.
10 years with the same hairstyle and I'm stronger than yesterday.
I sucked my thumb till i was Primary 5. Unlike most of you, I was born with an extra delicious thumb.
.
There is no number 4.

A Prayer For the Victims of Examination

2009-11-18T21:48:00.006+08:00

"Trust in the Lord you God as well as answers copied from a smarty pants.

For whosoever believes in them shall not perish nor fail thy exams but have everlasting distinctions.

In all you do, keep your pencil straight and He will direct your answer sheet."

Amoon.

-Jian 3:16-

Half Full or Half Empty?

2009-11-17T00:44:00.004+08:00

"Is the glass half full or half empty?"

"Is it really a glass? If it is, how do you know? What if it's just a piece of transparent plastic?" Some of you might ask. One thing that's for certain, it certainly isn't full, nor is it empty but depending on whether the viewer is majorly crosseyed, it might just be 3/4 full.

"Is your glass half full or half empty?"

"Have you ever wondered why you were so good at something but not something else?"
With continuous breakthroughs in modern day english, humans have devised a way to reason out the entire sentence above into just one word, otherwise known as "Limits"

Being human, we all have our limits. That's what makes us mortal.
Upon creating us, God cleverly set aside our own personal limitations. On a brighter note, that's when He gave us our gifts. *ka-ching*

Our gifts - skills or talents that define who we are, what we're good at and what we're able to acheive. One common example would be the gift of foursight - the ability to wear spectacles. (HA... HA... HA...)

So we're human, so we're flawed, so you own a pair of polkla-dotted pink boxers which you never bothered to give away because you liked the colour. What really matters is; are we going to be content with what we are? Or are we just going to sit around worrying about how "imperfect" we might seem to be?

For He said "Offer to Me, what you have." and not "Offer to me, what you're going to be." or "Offer to me, your Happy Meal." which in case if He did, would have been in a very gentle and goldly tone.

A young man came up to Jesus saying "All your commandments i have kept from my youth. What do i still lack?

Jesus said to him, "if you want to be perfect, go, sell what you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven, and come, follow Me."

But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful for he had great possesions.

Matthew 19: 20-22

At the end of the day, material and wealth account for nothing and what you're left with is just plain you. Will you offer it up to God?

So come as you are. Let Him use your gifts as well as your flaws.
If you have half a glass of water, offer it up to Him and He will make it full.

Likewise, if you have half a glass of Ribena or Coke (exceptions can be made for Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels), offer it up to Him and He will make it full.

Now that you've read what has been stated lets get back to the big question.

"Is the glass half full or half empty?"

Some of us might say : "Half full!" some of us : "Half empty!" The rest of us ; "Is it really a glass? If it is, how do yo know? What if it's just a piece of transparent plastic?"

In my opinion, its neither. It's just the wrong size. :)

Danielle: "It's half full. Why ah?"

The Ultimate Card.

2009-11-09T01:38:00.003+08:00

Wise Words, Yoda From! Hmmm?

2009-11-09T00:48:00.005+08:00

"insult Vader, the next time you do. walk a mile in his shoes. That way you'll be a mile away and shoeless, he will be"

"The last doughnut you saved for yourself, gone it has. Consumed by Darth Vader."

"Silly, his helmet looks."

"Do or do not... there is no doo-doo."

"So fat, yo' momma is."

"Jump for joy, she did. I believe stuck, she got, hmm?"

"In the wrong quotes section, I am."

"In the wrong quotes section, still I am."

"Stop appearing in these quotes pages, I must."

"Fear leads to Anger, Anger leads to stress, stress leads to doobies, and doobies leads to twinkies."

How To Survive a Zombie Apocalypse

2009-10-31T02:28:00.012+08:00

Let’s face it: with all the crazy medical experiments and deadly plagues going around these days, waking up one day to discover three-quarters of the world’s population have turned rabid doesn't seem as far-fetched as it used to be. When that time comes, what are you gonna do? Are you prepared to fight a flesh-eating, foul-smelling, brain-hungry army of zombies?

In the spirit of Halloween and to help you prepare for the war against the undead, we have compiled a list of things that you need to know about zombies and what you need do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

Disclaimer: This article is for entertainment purposes only. In the case of real zombie attack, we suggest you just run! But if you decide to listen to us, we wish you all the best. We'll catch up at the Pearly Gates.

1) KNOW YOUR ENEMY

You don’t go into war without knowing who your enemy is, do you? The first thing you need to do in the case of a zombie attack is to size up your opponent. Determine what type of zombies they are: Are they fast, rabid zombies like the ones in I Am Legend, or the stupidly slow

decaying ones like those in Night of the Living Dead? If they are the fast ones, you are basically screwed. But we'd hold out hope for the decaying kind.

You will be glad to know that zombies aren’t superhuman. By most accounts, the most they can do is walk, albeit very slowly, and bite you (which is deadly, in case you're new to all this and didn't already know that). Zombies usually distinguish prey from other zombies by smell,

although no one knows for sure what smell attracts them so we recommend you to take a bubbly bath before going to war with these demons.

From what we can tell, they often travel in pacts, have very bad personal hygiene, aren't that articulate and can be taken out by a standard issue 'Tommy Gun' and a crap-load of ammo.

For further instructions in the art of zombie hunting, please consult the following cinematic features: Resident Evil, Dawn of the Dead, Night of the Living Dead

2) FOOD IS GOOD

Ask anyone and they will tell you that the most important thing to stockpile during a disaster is food! It is very important to stockpile your food supply BEFORE the zombie apocalypse comes a knocking because you can be sure your local population will definitely flood the supermarket, grocery and convenient stores when the zombies attack. Like they say, the early bird gets the

juiciest worm.

When you stockpile food, go for a college diet of Maggie mee, tinned meats and a packet of Mamee or two because these types of food last longer than the others. Sure, you can go for an

occasional sushi pack, but why would you eat raw meat if there's a zombie virus making its rounds! Always go for food that can be stored for more than three months, at least, because you will never know when it is safe to go for another round of grocery shopping.

Word of caution: If you run out of food and are considering eating your fellow survivors -

check for bite marks, you might already be one of the undead.

3) LOCK AND LOAD

The easiest way to kill a zombie is by putting a bullet into its brain. Handguns and shotguns are favourites. They are very useful against distance targets and you can shoot all day long, minimizing your chances of getting beaten. But remember - and it may seem too obvious to even say, but trust us, when you're in a panic you might forget - guns require ammo, and reloading can take a long time especially when a large hoard of zombies come running towards you. Unless you have unlimited ammo like a certain Master Chief, use your firearms sparingly.

In a war against zombies, hand to hand combat may be the most reliable way to fight. You can kill a zombie by either decapitating its ugly head or giving it a hard and sharp blow to the head. Take a cue Resident Evil's Alice and get a machete, a crowbar, an axe, a huge hammer...you get the idea. Of course with hand to hand combat you run the risk of being bitten. So find a way to cover up.

Words of wisdom: do not ever wrestle a zombie. They might be decaying corpses, but they sure can kick your arse.

4) RALLY THE TROOPS

Your girlfriend turned into a zombie dude, our apologies), your entire town is after your blood and you've just realized you are alone in the fight against an entire town of the rabid undead!

The last thing you want to happen during a zombie apocalypse is to go through it alone and depressed, so the first thing you should do is to look for other survivors. It doesn’t matter if he is the school bully who made you poop your pants, or that nosy old neighbour who lives with her 99 cats, or the homeless guy sleeping outside Starbucks; Everyone’s an ally and recruiting them could mean there'd be fewer zombies for you to worry about - as there's little chance of someone surviving alone.

There is strength in numbers, therefore gather as many survivors as possible. A good zombie attack needs a lot of extras and you have to have enough people to root out the undead and block the entrances. This could be a special time that could bring you closer to that guy/girl you've always had a crush on but didn't say anything. Word of warning though, apocalyptic romances rarely end well!

Be careful who you offer a ride to; make sure the survivors are virus-free and are not already zombies. As they say, one bad apple ruins the entire basket. Oh-so-true in this case!

5) KILL OR BE KILLED

The most important rule to remember when fighting zombies is this: Anyone who has been bitten by a zombie CANNOT be saved! It doesn’t matter if that person is your mom, your best friend or your really hot wife; it’s only a matter of time before they turn into a zombie and throw your entire survival plan into jeopardy.

Typically, it takes around an hour or so for an infected person to turn into a brain-muncher. You have to decide whether to shoot them in the head while they are still human or after they turn, but no matter what, the shooting has to be done. We suggest that it is best to kill them before they die and reanimate – yes, as heartbreaking as that could be – because you simply don’t want your loved ones to die a zombie. We have no idea how zombies are treated in the hereafter, so take 'em out early!

This decision is made easier if the bitten individual is someone you dislike to begin with, such as an ex-husband or your mother-in-law.

6) GOODBYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE

If you somehow managed to make it through the zombie onslaught (although the chances of that are, like, one in a million but we are being positive here) and the army forces save the day, do not forget to high-five your zombie-buster teammates, give yourself a pat on the back for a job well done, down a pint or two with the guys at the bar, grab a girl in a quest to re-populate the world and call it a day. Phew! You made it through!

Fuzzy & Panger

2009-10-20T22:48:00.015+08:00

Introducing........

FUZZY & PANGER!!!!
.

.

.

.

.

.

FuZZY

A mythical creature from Random Land this little birdie just turned 19 not so long ago. Born of the pieces of lollipops and sugar-coated strawberries, little Fuzzy has a unique sense of humour.

Never failing to make Panger (RawR RawR) laugh.

She tweets when she's angry and pouts to cover it up. Thus, giving her a beauuuutiful beak.

Smaller in comparison to that of the Hornbill's but pretty nonetheless.

If you look closely, you will find a spot on her belly saying "press here for laughter"

but Panger keeps his paws (hands) to himself, thank you.

her favourite treat is yoghurt, waffles, ice-cream added with a pinch of random conversations.

Her favourite game is the game of "Fetch"

it kinda goes like this....

she waits at home...

AND YOU FETCH HER WITH YOUR CAR! :D

Caring, kind, whacky, random, loving (sometimes) and tweetable (whatever that means...)

with a heave of one of those petite things, her under-sized wings can account for the highest damage ever known.

Stand in her way and prepare for doom.

Graceful in her dancing which Panger has yet to witness for himself,

A good pet-- oops, i meant, friend. :)

She's Criminal!

PanGer

a weird cross between a tiger and a panda, Panger *RawwwwRR* has indeed perfected the art of dozing off.

the black spots on his eyes make him impervious to stealth detection.

Has the ability to hide anywhere - Bushes, grass, trees. you name it.

Panger turns invisible... when nobody is looking! :O

Panger is currently learning to grow wings and like his partner in crime, Fuzzy, he will one day fly around the world :)

Loves food. Eats anything in sight (including waffles, yoghurt and ice-cream)

*gobble gobble gobble*

A victim of the game "Fetch"

Panger has perfected, refined and redefined the art of "Hakunamatta"

----------------------------- fill in the blanks. :P

Prisc? Prisc? Prisc?

2009-10-19T19:01:00.002+08:00

A few days ago, Prsicilla Yap told me how happy she was playing keyboards for church.

the Following Sunday, i was in church and upon seeing Priscilla....

Jian : Keyboards huh? nice... :)

Prisc : *confused look* what?

Then i realised. "ZOMG, wrong Priscilla!!!"

i acted "cool" as if nothing had happened and so "coolly", walked away.

Turns out that the Priscilla i saw that day was Priscilla Chew.

Priscilla Yap is all the way in Australia. She's been there for the past two years and she's laughing at this post right now. Cheers :)

yes, i told them both and they laughed their heads off at it.

Sluuuurrrrp

2009-10-13T19:10:00.002+08:00

Good morning! :)

I Have Seen...

2009-10-04T22:29:00.006+08:00

The evening sky as seen in Ipoh.

The sun resides along the coastline.

Burning with more energy than a thousand nuclear bombs

Light spectres align themselves along the horizon.

A layer of glowing amber starts to settle upon the abundant sky

Slowly fading off into a mysterious blue...

Clouds get coated with a tint of fire.

The ones covering the sun simply turn to puffy silhouettes

The horizon bursts into flames as the giant ball of flames settles deeper.

Everything seems to fall into place so beautifully.

A glimpse of light from the already visible stars catch my eye.

Twinkle twinkle little star

Only looks little from afar

Water below the horizon reflects the splendour residing thousands of feet above the surface.

In such awe, i push back my hanging jaw.

If you have seen the earth from up high,

If you have seen the sunset and sunrise,

If you have seen the stars shining so bright,

You have seen God's love

I hope you see it like i do.

The Five Gurus

2009-10-03T20:48:00.008+08:00

It was a cold and stormy night and five very wise, very respected gurus were sitting in a dark room, meditating around a candle.

then came a gust which blew a window open. The minute rush of air cause the candle to flicker. The candle almost went out but it still kept a flame.

A guru, which was alert enough to sense this said to his fellow guru.

Guru 1 : *Psst* did you just see that candle flicker?

Guru 2 : Quiet! we're not supposed to be talking.

Guru 3 : Shut up, the both of you!

The room was quiet for a few seconds until the fourth guru started laughing.

Guru 4 : Wahahaha! You fools! I was the only one who didn't make any noise.

The fifth guru was so disgusted at the foolishness of his fellow gurus till he then went online and posted this on his blog.

-JiantheGuru-

What's life without laughter?

LOLOMETER!

Bittersweet

How Economy Crisis Begins.

History of The Toilet Seat

Fell Into Temptation With My Girl....

Chic Flicks are like Milk

Best Present Ever.

China and Food.

Pumpkin Booty

Irony Strikes Back

Harr-eh Po-er?

Eh, Why Cannot--?

10 Things I Forgot

Secrets

Laments Of A Bishop.

Auntie! It's Not What It Looks Like!!

More From The Oatmeal

I Don't Want a lot For Christmas..

Only From Afar...

Jian, Why Are You So Chill?

One Two Three Four Uno Dos Tes Cuatro

Why Get Wasted?

Problems and Solutions

Basic Flying Rules

Very Wrong Toilet.

The Night Flight to Penang .

How To Be a Backstreet Abortionist

Step 1: Location, Location, Location

Working From Home

The Backstreet Option

Traveling

Step 2: Marketing

The Internet

Word Of Mouth

Step 3: Techniques

The "Mexican" Technique

The "Fall"-Down-The-Stairs Technique

The "Lots Of Booze And Cigarettes Technique

Good Old Mavis Beacon

So True...

The Chinese Dinner That Never Was

Pork Free?

NINETEEN-YEAR-OLD-STUPIDITY

Six Words That Changed My Life

Gaji Sedap Tak?

Sugar Lumps

Keep bleeding... i keep, keep bleeding....

She's More Than A Woman. She's Fuzzy!

Sex in The City 2

The X-Factor

Example Openers

Side Effects to Pick-Up Lines May Include

Twin Stripes.

Building Castles In The Sky

I Gave an Old Lady a G-String.

How To Breathe

Prerequisites

Why do I also need a brain? I don't have one!

I am dead. What do I do?

Step 1: Detecting Your Organs

Step 2: Inhaling

Argh! I CAN'T DO IT!

Step 3: Exhaling

May Way On The Highway

My Mom

Ice-cream

I Love My Friends. (and their bimbo moments.)

On, To The Twin!!

Broke-The-Backlight

Playah~

Football At It's Whackiest.

Of Blue Skies and Sunsets

Give Thanks.

"Im Afraid There's Nothing Much I Can Do About It."

For The Drivers

*Tong Tong ChianG!!*

Love, Mr Random

14 Ways To Save Mother Earth

Today I Learnt...

Tong Tong ChianG!!

Sluuuurrrrp